When Grief is like an Ocean

[silenttrainbaby]

Somewhere between getting a birthday, birthday parties full of easy, shared emotion, between meeting the man who could understand his thoughts, to Yuuko's statement that he could talk again if he was willing to pay the price for a fulfilled wish, to all the people disappearing and coming back, it is belatedly, yet suddenly, too much.

It isn't even that day, or the day after, or even two. Nearly a week after all of this occurs; that is when the wave crashes over Grey in the dead of night. It is as if he can't breathe, as if his chest is too tight, as if the very sky is caving in on him.

He doesn't wake Curtis, doesn't take the cat, doesn't go to Rat - the silent boy doesn't wish to bother anyone in this moment of most intense, sharp grief. In the rank coat he hasn't worn since the train, he runs like the wind on quiet streets to the beach.

When he feels the sand around his shoes, he slows, walking toward the water he can hear but only barely see. When he gets close enough, he crouches down, rocking on his heels, arms around his knees, making him as small as he used to on the train when he was little, when it all got to be too much.

He wants Gilliam. It's a kind of petulant, vicious, immature tantrum-like reaction that is entirely unlike anything he's felt before, any emotion he's experienced. He remembers Edgar acting like this sometimes in what seems like a lifetime ago.

Grey doesn't want to give up all he has here, not at all. He doesn't want the train back. These things he knows with a certainty in his very bones. But how Gilliam explained things, how he understood what Grey meant or wanted: that is what he wants. Even if only for a moment. It wears him down knowing so little, feeling so much.

Gilliam. Even just so he can say goodbye. So that the last image of his mentor and lover isn't him being shot, falling to the floor of the train car.

He cries out to the sky, though he makes no sound. When the sobs finally die away, he stays still, feeling the salt of the tear tracks drying on his face even long after the sun has risen.

Comments

[plaguedrat]

Watching Grey relax a little, Rat leans over and kisses him on the shoulder.

"Okay?"

[silenttrainbaby]

Okay. Grey nods, turning his head to take in Rat's face. He's sorry he caused problems, he's sorry he made Rat lose sleep. He didn't mean to.

[plaguedrat]

Sleep can come another night. Rat's found there are things he care about more than sleep. Loves more than sleep.

He pulls Grey into his arms.

[silenttrainbaby]

They can end up, then, stretched out on the sofa, legs tangled. When they kiss, it's tentative at first, at least for Grey, an apology, a reacquaintance, a small gesture to show Rat how much he matters.

[plaguedrat]

Rat welcomes the touch, kisses him sweetly. "You can't forget your grief, but you have people here to take some of it away."

[silenttrainbaby]

It's true. Grey nods again, his fingers framing Rat's face. Gilliam, he knows, wouldn't want him to grieve, not really.

Another kiss, and it's so sweet that it feels like it goes right to his heart.

[plaguedrat]

"Did you have enough to eat?" They can focus on the immediate, Grey's needs, their happiness. The way he kisses.

[silenttrainbaby]

For now, yes. They can have sweets later, perhaps, or ice cream. Grey nods again, tracing the bow of Rat's mouth with his fingertip.

[plaguedrat]

He kisses that touch, stroking at Grey's back. They feel safe here. That's what matters.

[silenttrainbaby]

It is. Just by leaning forward a little, Grey can press his forehead to Rat's. He taps over Rat's heart, lightly. What does he want? What does he need?

[plaguedrat]

All of his needs and wants, for now, are met. The most important person to him, here, is near.

[silenttrainbaby]

ALl thta is needed is the cat. But, that will be rectified in the morning and for now, Grey settles, more than content to gaze at Rat in the quiet.

[plaguedrat]

"It's getting dark." It always gets dark so fast in the winter.

"Bed again?"

[silenttrainbaby]

Bed. They can stretch out there, warm and comfortable.

Grey slides to stand, holding out a hand for Rat.

[plaguedrat]

Rat takes his hand and walks with Grey to his room. The covers are askew from the two of them slipping out and Rat's laundry is overflowing from its hamper.

"Come here?"

[silenttrainbaby]

Of course. Grey won't be far from Rat, not tonight and not for a while. He's already slipping his sweatpants back off.

[plaguedrat]

Rat pulls his shirt off over his head, choosing to be unafraid of his scars. Grey's seen him at his worst, when they were fresh. The least he can do is trust him.

[silenttrainbaby]

There's no reason to be afraid. Grey views the scars as part of who Rat is. He runs his fingers along them, even as he pulls him close.

[plaguedrat]

Rat tenses up briefly from years of instinct. Then he leans back into Grey's touch, unafraid.

"You can talk to me, you know. Any time."

[silenttrainbaby]

After today, Grey knows that. He nods yet again. ometimes, though, he doesn't know what to say. So many things in a short span of time and he got overwhelmed.

He urges Rat toward the bed. They can "talk" there.

[plaguedrat]

They can 'talk' when Grey needs to. If he needs to. That's who they are.

[silenttrainbaby]

Rat is his best friend, perhaps after Curtis, if only because he's known Curtis his whole life. But what they share, Grey doesn't share with Curtis.

In bed, he combs rough fingers through Rat's hair.

[plaguedrat]

Rat closes his eyes and leans his head forward, submitting to Grey's touch, arms sliding around him.

"I'm here. I'll be here."

[silenttrainbaby]

He writes, then, on Rat's back, along the scars. Leave?

Rat doesn't, so much, want to leave anymore?

[plaguedrat]

"I still don't trust this place," Rat says. "I don't know how I got here and I don't like being unable to control what happens but...If I never came here, I wouldn't have found you."