When Grief is like an Ocean

[silenttrainbaby]

Somewhere between getting a birthday, birthday parties full of easy, shared emotion, between meeting the man who could understand his thoughts, to Yuuko's statement that he could talk again if he was willing to pay the price for a fulfilled wish, to all the people disappearing and coming back, it is belatedly, yet suddenly, too much.

It isn't even that day, or the day after, or even two. Nearly a week after all of this occurs; that is when the wave crashes over Grey in the dead of night. It is as if he can't breathe, as if his chest is too tight, as if the very sky is caving in on him.

He doesn't wake Curtis, doesn't take the cat, doesn't go to Rat - the silent boy doesn't wish to bother anyone in this moment of most intense, sharp grief. In the rank coat he hasn't worn since the train, he runs like the wind on quiet streets to the beach.

When he feels the sand around his shoes, he slows, walking toward the water he can hear but only barely see. When he gets close enough, he crouches down, rocking on his heels, arms around his knees, making him as small as he used to on the train when he was little, when it all got to be too much.

He wants Gilliam. It's a kind of petulant, vicious, immature tantrum-like reaction that is entirely unlike anything he's felt before, any emotion he's experienced. He remembers Edgar acting like this sometimes in what seems like a lifetime ago.

Grey doesn't want to give up all he has here, not at all. He doesn't want the train back. These things he knows with a certainty in his very bones. But how Gilliam explained things, how he understood what Grey meant or wanted: that is what he wants. Even if only for a moment. It wears him down knowing so little, feeling so much.

Gilliam. Even just so he can say goodbye. So that the last image of his mentor and lover isn't him being shot, falling to the floor of the train car.

He cries out to the sky, though he makes no sound. When the sobs finally die away, he stays still, feeling the salt of the tear tracks drying on his face even long after the sun has risen.

Comments

[plaguedrat]

Rat doesn't care. Something in the fetid smell is more familiar to him than clean sheets and laundry detergent. It doesn't repel him. He's experienced the same kind of suffering.

He keeps his hand on Grey's side, sighing a little and letting Grey work through his pain and sorrow. He has very little interest in platitudes, thinking there's little he can do or say besides be there next to him.

[silenttrainbaby]

Finally, when it seems Grey's run dry, he realizes anew where they are.

He falls forward to his knees and smooths over the sand, making it in to a blank slate.

Now, he can talk. His finger carves words.

He died. Someone shot him, because I killed someone they loved.

[plaguedrat]

"Gilliam?" he asks, touching the name on Grey's chest, obscured by scars. Sometimes he wonders if he should be jealous of this ghost, who captivated Grey so completely that he wears his name.

Quietly, he looks at the letters in the sand. "Retribution."

[silenttrainbaby]

Gilliam, yes. Retribution, yes. A nod to both.

He swipes the words away and starts new ones.

He found me when I was small. He taught me Everything.

Here, he has to learn on his own, or more, Rat has been saddled with teaching him even the most basic things.

Here, he continues, you teach me. Or Curtis. Or others, too.

[plaguedrat]

Rat nods, understanding the fierce affection that can be found in moments like that. Shion's open window, that strange moment of kindness that had thrown shades of gray into his black and white world. One moment of kindness can change anything. It must have been the same with Gilliam.

"I hope I'm teaching you right."

[silenttrainbaby]

How could Grey know? It's all new (though he still avoids baths).

Another swipe at the sand and he writes, Who am I here?

He doesn't know.

On the train, he fought, he killed, he died.

Here, it's too big, too much. He's not aware that he's crying again.

[plaguedrat]

Rat cups the back of his neck and leans against him, eyes closed as if to give Grey that little bit of privacy for his tears.

"I ask myself that too," he admits. "All my life, I grew up hating No. 6. Everything I did, I did to be stronger so that I could end the city. Now I'm here...now what?"

He understands the loss and struggle deeply.

"I guess we're finding out."

[silenttrainbaby]

They are, it seems. And it is sweet - very sweet.

Leaving the words carved in the sand, Grey turns, wrapping his arms around Rat's thin shoulders, holding him so that they are cheek to cheek.

[plaguedrat]

Rat holds him close, trying to give Grey the same quiet strength that he'd poured int Rat at the information booth.

"I'm Rat," he says at last. "I'm...not really sure I want to be in this city, but I know I'm your boyfriend. That I don't want to change that."

[silenttrainbaby]

Leaning back, Grey meets Rat's gaze, letting him see the puffy eyes, the runny nose, the fatigue. He nudges aside his coat to show Rat his name. He's Grey. He's 18, his new birthday is September 15th. He presses a hand over Rat's heart, then. He wants to be with Rat, too. He doesn't want that to change, not at all. WIth his free hand, he guides his boyfriend's hand over his own heart.

[plaguedrat]

Rat nods and splays his his hand over Grey's heart, covering the scars. "We'll figure it out," Rat says. For the fist time, he wants to stay in this city, if only for people like Grey.

[silenttrainbaby]

It might almost seem like Grey rocks back feeling the comfort those words bring, combined with the fatigue and even some hunger, his system having gotten used to eating regularly.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out before looking out over the water, his hand still over Rat's heart where he imagines he can feel his heart beat. Then he looks back. It's time to go. Yes?

[plaguedrat]

He nods and moves his hand from Grey's heart up to his chest, wiping away what he can of the tears, barely aware of the old melody he's humming.

[silenttrainbaby]

Grey leans in to the touch, Rat's hand warm on his cheek.

Slowly he rises, legs stiff from staying in one position for so long. He takes that hand in his so they can start to walk. He's quiet, listening to Rat hum.

[plaguedrat]

"The wind is sweeping souls away. People are snatching hearts away. Even so, I'll stay here and I'll continue singing," Rat intones softly, almost under his breath. Comfort is offered if Grey wants it.

[silenttrainbaby]

It is comfort and Grey accepts it readily. He walks slowly, head down, listening. They're heading toward Rat's apartment, the small haven they've created there.

[plaguedrat]

He sings the rest of the song, still soft, and helps Grey into his apartment.

"Do you want to take a bath?" Heat, comfort, closeness?

[silenttrainbaby]

As long as water isn't poured over Grey's head. He nods. Warm water and Rat sounds good.

He shrugs off his jacket and holds it out in front of himself.

The memory of when he got it is sharp in his mind: a source of pride. It hadn't been clean then, either, but he didn't know better.

Moving to Rat's window, he pushes it open, and wedges the coat in the window, but outside so that it doesn't smell up the room.

[plaguedrat]

"We can wash it, if you want," Rat says, emphasizing that it's Grey's choice. He sort of suspects that Grey doesn't want to, but at least offers.

For now, he just worries about stripping off his clothes and filling the tub with hot water and soap.

[silenttrainbaby]

Perhaps. Grey will think on that another day.

He follows Rat to the bathroom, kicking off his shoes and pushing his sweatpants over his hips.

[plaguedrat]

Rat welcomes him into the hot water, cupping Grey's cheeks again for a kiss.

"Are you okay?"

Relatively?

[silenttrainbaby]

Shivering at the warm, lingering with his lips against Rat's, Grey nods. Relatively. He wraps his arms around Rat, pulled back against his chest and feels himself ease.

[plaguedrat]

Rat exhales and leans into Grey's arms. He's still not sure he wants to stay here and he damn well doesn't trust whoever's pulling the strings, but he's found people. He's found Aurora and Curtis. Most importantly, he's found Grey.

"We'll figure out who we are."

[silenttrainbaby]

His cheek against Rat's temple, Grey nods. They will.

Not today. Today is just being. Taking one of Rat's hands, he touches it to his own cheek.

[plaguedrat]

Rat smiles for him, using the dampness of his hands to smudge away more of the tears and dirt. He can't clear away Grey's pain and sorrow, but he can help.